The beauty is in forgiveness, the beast is in all the anger, resentment, hurt, guilt, shame, or any negative feelings that keep you locked down.
I’ve had an amazing holiday weekend so far. For those around the world who don’t know, it’s Memorial weekend here in America. It’s a holiday we celebrate to honor and remember our fallen Armed Forces and it’s also become a day of remembrance for any passed loved one. It was one of the most beautiful weekends we’ve had in a long time.
Friday I grilled some burgers for my daughter and nephews, brought them on a nice walk, then sent them home around 9:00pm. My daughter and I then camped out on the deck for the meteor shower. It was a bit disappointing though, from 11:30pm-1:45am we only saw three. One of those was pretty amazing though, it was like a tear drop falling. We noticed it out of nowhere, blue at first then it entered our atmosphere, turned to fire and just burnt out. It was really neat and my daughter saw it too. She fell a sleep before seeing the other two but they were blue and flew by very quickly. I couldn’t make it any later than 1:45am so I’m not sure what I missed after that? But before she fell asleep we had some great and deep conversations about life and the unknown. She is truly an amazing little girl and I’m so lucky to be her mom.
Saturday morning we were up bright and early so I could bring her back down to Minnehaha Falls Park and enjoy the beauty and walk with her.
I love doing those things with her. We have the best bond and I cherish it so dearly. I hope we never lose it.
While at the park we enjoyed watching the falls, sitting on the bank of the river skipping rocks and watching our Elly dog go crazy in the water and in the sand. We explored the sandstone cave and my daughter carved our initials into the side of the sandstone. We left our mark in the rock and now we’ll make it a tradition to keep going back and carving it deeper so the rain doesn’t wash it away. A truly beautiful moment.
To wrap up our beautiful day we went to a girls BBQ at my kindred spirit’s house, my good friend Angie, who I blogged about last year. She is the mother of the special needs little angel I was blessed to work with.
Angie has become like family. She is in the process of writing a book about her daughter. She was expressing her frustrations with feeling blocked and not being able to capture such an amazing little girl in the right way. We were trying to problem solve on ways to unblock. I shared some of what I knew and she shared that she was going to be going to a workshop that I hope helps. She has an amazing story to share with the world.
But as I’m sitting here now I completely understand her fear in what she meant…
How do you truly capture emotions and put them into words? How do you capture the true miracle that this little girl is? How do you capture the effects she has on someone in just one meeting? It’s a lot of pressure and she’s a perfectionist which makes it even more difficult but I admire that in her.
Angie’s understandably afraid she won’t do her daughters story the justice it needs and deserves but I think no one could give her story more justice than her, the person that was there, gave birth to the miracle in the mists of doubt all around her, she went through it all and felt everything whole heartedly. Her. She will write an amazing book, I know it!
I knew and understood why I found this little girl and why she came into my life when she did, back in 2008. I needed her to show me true beauty in all things. She set my life on a completely different course. And now I’m finally understanding the role Angie has and is playing in my life today.
She is my voice of reason and understanding, plus so many other things… We share so many similarities. She brought such clarity to me Saturday evening when I was telling her about my struggle with the beast that has been consuming me lately. She said something that really hit home,
“We are all wounded souls just trying to find our way in the world but we have choices, some make the right ones and some don’t. We can only change ourselves.”
It really hit home with me. On Sunday she sent me a sweet text with forgiveness quotes. I love her dearly.
I’m on this journey right now to forgive all who have wronged me but most importantly, to forgive myself for all I’ve wronged, myself included, forgive myself for wronging myself by allowing things into my life that had no purpose, things I knew shouldn’t have been there and for all that I let weigh me down.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing, a powerful healer.
I’m trying to learn and figure out how to do so, to truly forgive and release but it’s not easy. It means you have to reopen doors that you slammed closed and sealed with anger, hurt, resentment and negativity. But to truly move forward in life and release myself, I’ve been reopening these doors and it’s been tough. You relive everything that comes with it but slowly you feel the weights lifting and the chains loosening. One letter at a time… Breathe….
What’s really helped me is writing letters of forgiveness. Even if the letters never get sent, just the writing it out and the release of the emotions have felt very relieving. The letter to myself seems to be the toughest… I’ve shed many tears and I’m only on page 2 and still writing… Breathe…
So anyways, on Sunday I got up early (6:30am) did my morning pages, continued my letter of forgiveness, had my coffee outside on the deck, then cooked some breakfast for the little one and we relaxed before heading to my moms for another BBQ. Yes, that’s 3 days of BBQ’ed food! I think I’ve gained 10lbs in the past 3 days!! I’m going to need a veggie cleanse after this weekend. Ha!
But that’s what you do on a beautiful weekend. You BBQ a lot here on beautiful days in Minnesota. I love this time of year. It’s just perfect in the lower or mid 70′s.
The sun kisses your skin and gives you that warm feeling inside. I love it.
Today I woke up early, of course…. Sleeping in is just not something I do.
I’m sitting here on my deck listening to the birds, drinking my favorite coffee and writing out my thoughts to all of you…
So yeah, today is going to be just a relax and do whatever day. My little one is still nestled all comfortably in her bed, hopefully dreaming of theme parks and fun. I’m going to make her a breakfast bagel sandwich, her favorite, as soon as she wakes up and then later, for lunch, I’m cooking us some salmon spinach feta steaks. Oh yes!! I’m a little excited about that. They’re delicious! And healthy!! I’m sure we’ll get out to the dog park or some park, I actually want to go walk in this nature preserve down by the River in Bloomington. I haven’t been there in years but I remember it to be so beautiful so I think that’s what we’ll do?? But I don’t really care, today we’ll just do whatever but I’ll make sure to tell her the true meaning of today and together we’ll say our prayer of thanks to the heavens and remember those who went before us.
I love this life, truly I do but I don’t want to come back and do it again. I believe in reincarnation/past lives. I believe you have lessons to learn here but you get sent back to this world until you get it right.
I want to learn here and now. I want to confront and deal with every lesson The Lord above knows I need to get through so that I can live in his/her/their good grace for eternity with my loved ones and never want for anything ever again or feel pain, hurt or loss.
I am going to make the rest of my life the best of my life and I want to help as many people as I can, to do the same along the way.